Dating in 2016’s Frustrations and how to fix them!

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I’m back, it’s Millie with Millie in the City with the number one dating and relationship forum in the Washington, DC Metropolitan area.  Now that we have gotten that out the way, I want to discuss dating and the frustration that it all takes on.  So in honor of that, this article is appropriately titled: Dating in 2016’s Frustrations and how to fix them!

I ran across the beautiful Shavonta Arline on Twitter who mirrors my sentiments about dating and Love and how frustrating it is.  She recently took to Twitter as well as other Twitter threads to say, “Dating is becoming like a second job in 2016. A relationship requires great effort and a time investment, in the end you can still get burned before even sealing the deal. Some people are worth the risk and some aren’t. But how do you know when the person is the right one and if they are worth your time? What are the signs to look for when it comes to determining whether someone is committed to getting to know you?  The process can be daunting as a millennial”.  Shae said “Dating in 2016 feels like trying to “prove” to a man that you’re worth a phone call, text reply, date…etc & I don’t have the energy for it”

Well, Shavonta Arline, I hear ya!  So, with that I thought I would write about how to fix these dating frustrations and I hope this article will ease the tension of the Singles in 2016.

I know sometimes that the writing is on the proverbial wall and other times the rug is pulled right from under you and if you are like the majority of us, you want answers as to why. Like, why did this person switch it up on me? Wasn’t I everything and more to this person? One Twitter user came through with some words of wisdom when it comes to shooting your shot, missing and getting closure.  This is what I know to be true, everybody deals with frustration in their lives, especially when it comes to dating. Often times you may feel like you are doing everything right, but have no progress to show for it. You may watch other people get the dating success you want while seemingly putting in half the work. You may feel like you’re just beating your head against the wall over and over and over again.  Dating=Frustration, I get it!

But I know that there are other times and those moments of excitingly promising progress that seem to pale in comparison to your failures. But when dating has gone from being fun to being a non-stop party of stress, frustration and depression, it is time to take a few steps back and figure out how to work through your frustration and start making progress again.

Here are some steps you can take on winning your Dating Frustration Woes:

The first and most important step you can take when it comes to beating frustration is to change your mind. One of the biggest causes of frustration, especially when it comes to dating, is the idea that you may be doing it all wrong. It is something we see come up over and over again that there is an idea of a schedule or timeline by which things were supposed to happen. Now, if you are like some of my singles, you wrestle with social skills past a certain point in your life, then you’re lacking somehow and if have not achieved certain stages in your life like your first kiss, your first relationship, losing your virginity and so on then you are a screw up.  This is a fallacy and possibly all in your head.  Like myself and most people I know, the thought of shoulda’s, woulda’s and coulda’s enter your mind on a daily basis.  It is perfectly natural to want to do better but the problem comes in when we start believing that it is a necessity or obligation.

So the first step to defeating your frustration is to eliminate “shoulda’s, woulda’s and     coulda’s” and other verbs of obligation        and requirement from your personal vocabulary. We all know that words have power over us; the words we choose control how we    think. So, instead of obligatory verbs, try to concentrate on the desire or want.  Try replacing the words with desire and want, into    your vocabulary because these are motivating words.  Wishing for something is a  fundamentally positive thing because you can work  towards a wish. It stresses the possibility of achieving it instead of cutting you down for any failures.

Secondly, the goal is focus on what you can actually control. This is most certainly something that trips people up and leaves singles more than frustrated.  There is a prominent fallacy that we have far more control over the world than we actually do. We believe that if we hit all the right notes, say all the right things and follow the our, then we will get the results we want ever time.  No matter how meticulously you plan, you canon control for everything (this is a lesson I am still learning and struggling with).  No matter how hard you work, you can’t guarantee results because disarray will enter into every system. People have wills of their own. There will always be times when the universe is just not going to respond the way you want.

So instead of letting your frustration at not being GOD get to you, focus on what you can control, YOU!  Have you made a mistake?  Okay!  Now you know what you need to work on next time. Did something happen that you have no control over?  Simply chose someone else if they did not respond the way you hoped for.  Woosah, and just accept that there was nothing you could do and start getting ready for the next person.  Trust me it is never wrong to feel frustration and believe me it is perfectly understandable, especially since there can and will be long stretches of failures. For most of us again, it’s not the easiest thing to change your mind about how you feel however, you can rant and rave about the unfairness of it or you can accept that some things are outside of your reach and your control.

Thirdly, make A Plan! One of the key parts of dating frustration is a sense of vulnerability.  If you are like me and I know plenty others are not comfortable with feeling out of control of parts of our lives – especially the intimate part.  So one of the best things you can do to combat frustration is to have things you can do.  I call it getting some business!  If you feel like you have something tangible that you can work on and work towards, the better you will feel…trust me! Today, you can start by taking stock of where you feel you are and where you feel you want to be.  Grab a pen and paper and start writing down some of your goals – things about you that are within your control.  Personal Note: write it by hand, rather than typing; this controls a completely different part of your brain.  Start with the general and work towards the specific. If you feel your issue is, say, talking to women, then start there and refine things. The list you write can be long or short depending on the person and what they feel that they need to work on.   Once you feel that you have a decent handle on what you want to work on, it’s time to start making a plan on how you’re going to start addressing them.  Here is what is most essential and necessary: Give yourself permission to fail. The point isn’t to do everything perfectly, it’s to simply do them. You’re taking back control and giving yourself a pathway towards where you want to be.

Stop focusing too much on where you want to be versus how far you’ve come. If you focus less on the end destination and more on the stops along the way, you’ll have a much better grasp of your progress. This is where keeping a journal will come in hand. This gives you a place to give your thoughts some structure, it also becomes a document of your progress. Because you have written things down gives you concrete data that you can point to and measure. Even your failures are important: you’ll start being able to recognize how many things are under your control and how many are simply the notions of chance.

In conclusion and lastly, be grateful for what you have.  If you haven’t noticed or may you have, part of what causes frustration is a focus on what we do not have. We look at other people and let their success take away from what we accomplished. We let other people be the indicators of where we should be and it diminishes how we feel. Instead of worrying about what others have that you don’t, you want to focus on what you do have. Taking time to look at what you have – no matter how small or seemingly insignificant – and appreciating it is important. Even if you do not have a lot, it is imperative to be grateful for it. Recognizing your blessings – even the teeny tiny ones – makes you appreciate them and realize that you have more going for you than you realize. This makes you a happier and more pleasant person to be around.  Acknowledging what you have and what you’ve accomplished is at the very core of breaking through your frustration. Being enthusiastic about gratitude will change your focus from what you lack to what you have. This will give you the strength and drive to go out and get the rest.

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Millie Holmes can be reached by email at millieinthecitymatch@yahoo.com or on Social Media:

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Millie Holmes

3 Comments

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  • Kerry said – Millie, thanks for sharing. this is a great article that not only identifies the challenges but provide some great advice for moving forward and keeping an open mind. As a single female who occasionally dates (yes occasionally), as sometimes I don’t want to be bothered. I find as I get older I have less tolerance for certain things and that my time and flexibility for dates may not be the same for the person I’m dating. I agree wholeheartedly that dating is hard but the key is finding someone similar to you in values and mindset. Also, where is that person in life, how have other relationships ended for them, are they really into you for the long term or just into you right now until someone else they believe to be better comes along, and most importantly are they willing to invest their time and energy into you. I’ve just about given up on dating and I use to blame myself for my bad dating experiences, I don’t anymore, not that I’ve mastered it as I haven’t but I’ve learned more times it’s not about me but about them personally. If the person is not ready to “be in like/love or invest” in you, nothing you do will make them ready so cut your loss and keep it moving, and don’t be surprised if a month later you see them booed up. don’t be mad, it’s just wasn’t meant for you.

    JV Jones said – Amen my sister.

  • JV Jones – Will the real men who are looking for a real woman and are ready for a real relationship please stand up!!!

    Cassie Gainey II JV Jones I agree

  • Roderick said – I want to know the answer to this question.