I’m back and it is that time again for Ask Millie, better known as the Black Dear Abby. Here is the relationship question of the week. Cathy from Waldorf, MD is dealing with having a male best friend and trying to juggle a relationship. So in honor of that, this article is appropriately titled: Friends, how many us have them? (In my Whodini voice of course)
First of all I want to thank Cathy for sending me an email, I am always here to help with relationship and dating issues. Well, this is a no-brainer for me but let’s talk about it. If you cannot have friends of the opposite sex and have a committed relationships, trust me, you are committed in the wrong relationship moreover, certainly to the wrong person. Now, I could understand I suppose if you are young adolescents and by default sometimes they are prone to feeling insecure and overly territorial. To put it mildly, they are still growing up. However, if you are an adult, you should really have no excuse, not understandably, anyway. If a man or woman who, in fact, does not have both male and female friends or buddies, has a seriously questionable social life.
In this thing we call “real life” though; it doesn’t quite work as a principle for conducting healthy — even reasonably sane, much less positive — behavior, even if you are single, let alone in a relationship. Folks of the other sexual persuasion have an awareness, a way of looking at life, an attitude toward things, if you will, you name it — a dynamic that friends of the same gender just do not have. Now, if you have the sense to avail yourself of it, makes you a significantly well-rounded individual. So you might want in your social circle some friends who use the other restroom at a restaurant, if you know what I mean!
Now that is one side to it and here is the other. If your significant other does not already have friends of both genders when you meet, to me, is not a good sign. If you think, that means I do not have to deal with any threats, you are missing the mark. This likely means that he or she does not know how to have a relationship based on friendship, not sex, and probably is more interested in what’s south of waist than they actually are in you. This also means, once the newness wears off their attention will wander. So in retrospect, unless that’s all you are interested in, you have simply made a wrong turn by getting mixed with him or her.
Now here is the real deal so pay attention and take notes.
Cathy also asked me could her guy that is unreasonably jealousy, be put in check? I say to you Cathy that yes he surely can. Those of us who habitually mess up are capable of behaving like grown-ups instead of self-destructing, making both ourselves and that special other person miserable in the process.
What I will say is that friend was there before you came along. If you do not want whomever to still be there after you have been asked to leave, please try to value that this individual has a special history with your man or woman that you getting bent out of shape is not going to erase the situation. Try not to make the situation be about who is more important, you or the friend. Quit seeing it as a competition, because, frankly, as soon as you look at it that way, you’ve lost and maybe not even right away. But you will lose nonetheless. If you being so much the love of your partner’s life he or she is blindly enamored enough to distance a friend to make you comfortable, know this, enjoy your petty, vindictive satisfaction while it lasts beecause that beloved friend will be missed, deeply.
In most cases, that is the nature of friendship. Friends give solace, companionship, fun and a lot more. So, singularly that your girlfriend or boyfriend will arrive at the quite practical conclusion, albeit in hindsight, that their friend cared, that their friend was not about controlling, but he sure is. At that moment, I understand that he can probably hang it up and start packing his bags but I digress. He may not want to throw a fit at this time complete with hysterics, overdramatically offering that tired old ultimatum, ”It’s either [him/her] or me.” Cathy, I know you were the one that wrote me but I would be remised if I didn’t generalize this article because so many people are in this same situation.
In conclusion, I completely understand that every situation is different but the fact is either way, be sure you totally, absolutely blame yourself because the simple fact is, everybody needs friends, including the love of your life.
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Millie in the City, relationships, singles, modern day cupid, dating, black dear abby, Lunch maybe Dinner, Relationship Consultant, communication, courting.