ASK MILLIE

Is cheating overrated?

cheating

I’m back, it’s that time again for Ask Millie, better known as the Black Dear Abby.  Here is the relationship question of the week.  Linda from Pennsylvania is dealing with a cheating issue from her man.  So in honor of that, this article is appropriately titled: Is cheating overrated?

First, I want to say thank you to Linda for writing me about this issue.  Linda, in the grand scheme of things and if I were honest cheating involves betraying a partner’s expectations about the type of contact the cheater has with others.  Bottom Line!

When either a husband or wife, boyfriend or girlfriend, boo, bae, or significant other violates one’s expectations about what is appropriate, people feel betrayed. What you also want to keep in mind that relationships are not based on logic, but are mostly influenced by our emotions.  As a consequence, cheating is difficult to define because people fluctuate in the type of contact they feel it is appropriate for a partner to have with someone else.

Let me give you an example, some people believe that it is unacceptable for a partner to:

Flirt with others,

Participate in sexual conversation with someone else,

Exchange personal e-mails or text messages,

Deny or lie about being married or in a relationship,

Spending time with certain individuals,

Take part in specific types of contact like sleeping in the same bed with another person,

Buying intimate gifts and presents for others,

Have a dialog online with someone else, (online affairs)

Have sexual contact or relations with someone else, (physical unfaithfulness)

Become emotionally involved with someone else, (emotional unfaithfulness)

Growing a crush or feelings for another individual,

Sharing you most private thoughts and feelings with someone else,

Becoming best friends with someone of the opposite sex,

And the list could go on and on….

As I stated before, the main point is that individuals vary in what they consider to be an acceptable form of contact with other people.  There are also extreme scenarios as well, like some couples think it is conventional to have sex and fall in love with someone else (understand polyamory), while some people view flirting with another person as being inappropriate.

Cheating is very complex because the definition fluctuates so widely.  Nevertheless, when someone violates a partner’s expectations, the emotional outcome is the same—their partner feels betrayed and rejected.  Cheating is also problematic because couples rarely discuss exactly what their expectations are.  This is the key—there is no communications and talk of expectations beforehand or before delving deep into the relationship.

In any given relationship, what one person considers to be acceptable may differ from what a partner thinks is appropriate. Many problems arise in relationships because people do not see eye-to-eye on this issue.  To make matters worse, many people do not like to define what counts as cheating and prefer not to define what counts as cheating because by keeping the rules vague and ambiguous, it makes it easier to cheat. If you do not know what the rules are, you really cannot break them—or some people like to think!

In conclusion, it is a lot easier to deceive both oneself and a partner about cheating when the rules are not clear.  Which brings me back to the point of–is cheating really overrated and even worth it?

 

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Millie in the City, relationships, singles, modern day cupid, dating, black dear abby, Lunch maybe Dinner, Relationship Consultant, communication, courting

 

 

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Millie Holmes

31 Comments

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  • Lady S commented: in this generation side piece is the new-new!!! sad but true! it is overrated depending the population! its easier to cheat instead of leaving the situation as a whole. Why waste time with someone you have no future with, cant be seen due to due pleasing fans; flirting, re-mincing: who could of, should of, almost been whatever. To me don’t perform acts you wont approve off (Practice what you Preach) it is a lot easier to deceive both oneself and a partner about cheating when the rules are not clear as you stated they make a clear precise BUT most don’t want it happening to them yet they can do to you?

  • K Lowery Moore – Not just this generation..cheating is not a new phenomenon. It was just women seemed to accepted it more back in the day. My parents were married and I have “extra” siblings…and I’m finding a lot of people are in that same situation. Finding out they have other siblings while their parents were married. I really think that is why many of us are not aware of what a healthy relationship is…

  • Lady S replies to K Lowery – Second to that indeed! Im speaking on experiences and people around me…its soooooo easy to cheat bc no one is willing to work for relationship and people are easier in just “giving it up”

  • Cassie Gainey II – A side piece is not new its old as hell. Its been here since time. Women who preferred to be a side chick, side piece or a mistress these type of women have never taken themselves off the clearance rack. Cheating is cheating and its many forms of. K Lowery Moore I totally agree

  • Lady S said: Sherley G Vincent When i say the new-new i mean its acceptable bc people have gave up on love due to disloyalty in a relationship, i knw its been there since the beginning of time! There are various types of cheating, yes! Im on the same page as you all, misinterpreted what i said! People know that people involved and still dont care, they state that oh they dont like cheat but rather be person the mate cheat on! Thats crazy to me cheating is cheating emotionally physically and mentally

  • Cassie Gainey II – It has always been acceptable and these situations have happen through time. Your way of expressing it is the new new which is find cause thats your truth on that. But its really not because its always been here.

  • K Lowery Moore – I agree with your article, there are so many different ways you can be unfaithful. Once a commitment is established (a mutual agreement to be exclusive)…then anything you wouldn’t want your partner to know, can be considered unfaithful as far as I’m concern. If someone sends you a text and you have to hide it, that is a sign it may be inappropriate. Pictures in your phone is an issue. Everyone should really stay single until they can be sure they can stay committed to one person. Unless you are in an alternative lifestyle where everyone knows what’s going on. If you cannot fully disclose information, you are not ready to be committed…period

  • K Lowery Moore – But yes, it is very overrated… I’ve been on both sides of the cheating fence and it’s stupid and unnecessary.

    Millie Holmes – Thats the thought that popped into my mind when I began writing this article.

  • Mr. H said: Just my $0.02. When you think of it, it is unreasonable and illogical that the one person (assuming married) will satisfy each and all of one’s needs for a lifetime. Conceptually, it doesn’t even make sense. Do you commit to a car for 40 years? Or a job? Or a house? Or same vacation spot? We are dynamic and ever changing human beings, so to have a relationship that is largely static is in dissonance to our overall growth and development. Again, just my $0.02.

    K Lowery said: then stay single

    Millie Holmes – I hear you H and thank you for responding. I am going to have to agree with K on this one. I do believe that there is someone that can supply my needs if not, I will stay single or have an understanding right from the start.

  • K Lowery Moore – Committments obviously aren’t for everyone, but I’ve been federally employed for 25 years… and to look at people the way we do objects… all I can say is WOW

  • Cassie Gainey II – Some people don’t know how to be committed nor loyal in any situation

    K Lowery Moore – you got that right and those people need to stay far away from me as possible….smh

    Lady S said: LoL indeed K Lowery Moore
    Like · Reply · 2 hrs
    Millie Holmes
    Millie Holmes I agree Cassie Gainey II

  • K Lowery Moore – That’s like telling my sons….I’m no longer your mother after 23 years. WOW

    Cassie Gainey – Exactly!!! K Lowery Moore

    K Lowery Moore – Girl….WOW LOL

    Millie Holmes – Good point K and wow I never thought of it that way lol

  • Cassie Gainey II – But you can commit faithful to eating, & sleeping everyday. But you question and say what is unreasonable….. ijs

    K Lowery Moor – Exactly… monogamy is a choice, but to say it doesn’t make sense…smh! WOW

    Cassie Gainey II – Yessssss! Lol

    K Lowery Moore – But as long as those folks be honest and let other people decided whether or not to be bothered with their unfaithful ways, I don’t have an issue… Just be honest you can’t stay committed. lol

  • Mr. R had this to say: I might get hurt for saying this, but here it goes.

    We live in a world where the Internet and social media has made cheating so much easier to do. Cheating is basically just a click away now. So they have access to men/women who might be interesting and available to them. We live
    in a society that romanticizes love. Many of us hold deep seated wishes that love and romance should look and feel like it does in the movies. When love fails to live up to this impossible to achieve image, there’s a feeling on missing out on the real thing. This disappointment combined with a more disposable feeling about the institution of marriage, has certainly contributed to both women and men cheating more.

    I’m not sure that we can blame men for this. Men actually tend to be happier statistically in marriage, than women do. Perhaps men don’t realize women need to be fulfilled emotionally, in order to want to stay married. Women have the ability to financially take care of themselves and get out of a bad marriage, if they really are not really happy.

  • K Lowery Moore – But why do we treat cheating like a new phenomenon?

    K Lowery Moore – I don’t think anyone blame men for cheating (on this post) because men and women cheat. The women that I know that end up cheating are the ones that didn’t marry for love in the first place. So many women will get with a dude because he is a provider and he can take care of her. And when she realizes it is so much more than that, she is not happy. Men maybe “happier” but doesn’t that mean they are faithful.

    Millie Holmes – Thank you for speaking your mind Mr. R

  • Mr. H said – Well, this is why cheating occurs. I am giving what I consider to be an objective assessment. If you disagree, fine; but, to criticize or trivialize the opinion essentially silences the discussion….so why raise it as a topic point? Hence, people will continue to have their expectations shattered by not discussing the issue.

    Millie Holmes – Absolutely Mr. H – this is what I said in my article, there is no discussing the issue.

  • K Lowery Moore – Again, if people don’t want monogamy…stay single. It should be that simple. But too many folks don’t like themselves enough to just be by themselves.

    Millie Holmes – #shotsfired #tellthetruth

  • K Lowery Moore – Please understand these are “general” comments and at no one specific person… It’s a conversation

    Cassie Gainey II – Exactly its just a conversation no one is here to beat you down. Just mature adult conversation

    Mr. R said – Single life sucks.

    Cassie Gainey II – Awwwww Mr. R

    Mr. R said – Just my opinion….

    Cassie Gainey II – I hear you

  • Ms. AD said: I think cheating has become more acceptable. In my younger days I would have not forgiven my mate for being unfaithful and would have terminated the relationship. As a seasoned woman now lol, there are a lot of factors that contribute to a partner seeking comfort outside of the relationship. So I wouldn’t be so quick to end the relationship but it really depends on the level of betrayal. Times may have changed but the issues between men and women will always remain the same.

  • Millie Holmes Exactly – AD, but when I was younger I forgave easy because I was cheating however, cheating now, I do not forgive as easy nor do I take part in it.

  • Mr. H said: Ask a man married for 5+ years and ask him if the sex is still hot? If he is honest, he will likely say it is warm at best! Men are wired to be hunters and at the very least the desire for sexual stimulation is there.

    Cassie Gainey II – Wowwww smh

    K Lowery Moore – Imma say again…stay single lol

    Mr. H – Wow is right. This is why porn use has become such an addiction. Again I didn’t create the rules….I am just conveying my “surveys”

    K Lowery Moore – I stayed single for these very reasons…people aren’t truthworthy enough for me so I will just stick with the variety lol… #StaySingle

    Mr. H – Guess what state has highest porn usage……

    Mr. H – Utah, supposedly the most devout (Mormon) state in the union. Go figure ….

    Cassie Gainey II – Omg really lol

    Cassie Gainey II – Now that is absolutely crazy

    Mr. H said: Lowery you are kidding yourself. Everybody needs companionship…..to deny yourself of that is in deference to you as a human being.

    K Lowery Moore – I get companionship, but I am not committed

    K Lowery Moore – I don’t need to be married for companionship

  • Cassie Gainey II – Hey people who except being cheated on and continues to being in a relationship is in denial. I will forgive but that person will not be on my life. You forgive yourself and the person who committed the act so that you can move on.

    Ms. AD said: See when I was young and beautiful I didn’t care because I could replace them so easily and immediately find someone else. I only cheated one time and that was because I found out my man had like seven girlfriends while I cooked, cleaned, took care of him, work two jobs and went to school. So yes I cheated well lmao with NO regret. Dude found out and lost his mind and then presented me with a ring. Being older brings wisdom and not everything is so black and white. There are factors and red flags leading up to cheating.

  • K Lowery Moore – I stayed single for these very reasons…people aren’t truthworthy enough for me so I will just stick with the variety lol… #StaySingle

    Pierre – Fuck no…..cheating is never overrated! If you feel played on matters that you and your significant other has set out to be hurtful to each other is wrong! And your feelings are already valid to what’s agreed upon. I believe that in a relationship, both parties are the blame for deception. Communication is the responsibility of both parties. And the fact that there’s nothing written in stone to whom the person you have chosen to be with, you don’t have to accept nothing that is hurtful to you. No need to pass judgement. Some women aren’t going to be that into me to accept certain things I do and vice versa, but it’s cool.

    K Lowery Moore – Something told me not to respond to this post…smh! It seems to me some will always try to justify cheating and it’s sad…

    K Lowery Moore – I would NEVER try to justify the dirt I did out here in these streets…but that’s just me.

  • Mr. R said: Great point. ..When I be blessed with my Queen…I will go above and beyond to make sure she knows know ….she is MY Queen. The only Queen!!

  • K Lowery Moore – I used LOVE being single, but it would be nice to have someone on the same page… it just doesn’t work that way for me right now. On the other hand, relationships take work!!! We have to be willing to do what it takes to make it work…

  • Cassie Gainey II response to Ms. AD – I didn’t say I except or accept it. I said there is usually more going on then you waking up one day to find out your man is cheating. There were signs in your relationship, problems that existed or some people have bad pickers and commit with cheaters. Then when you say cheating are you married, engaged, in a relationship, dating, living together..because each brings a different level of commitment. Its much more severe is you are married, engaged and living together…Dating is less severe..

    Ms. AD said – Cassie Gainey II For me personally, I don’t typically forgive but I have learned to ferret out we got there first. Then find out what transpired and I may take a break depending on what happened or break it off altogether. My point is it really depends on the situation.

    Cassie Gainey II said to Ms. AD – Nor did I specially say you did. And you are still beautiful so stop putting yourself on the clearance rack cause you not. I read the comments and stated my opinion and nothing more. You don’t need to justify your actions to anyone.

    Ms. AD said to Cassie – I am not the clearance rack by any means. I just edited my response so check it out. When I am saying is there is usually more to the story.

  • Millie Holmes – This is so true but I wonder why it would take so much work if there is an honest discussion in the beginning and you are both on the same page….ijs

    K Lowery Moore – Because people are not honest up front..

    K Lowery Moore – That’s the problem…people tell you what you want to hear knowing it’s not how they feel.

    K Lowery Moore – It takes work because we are two individuals with different life experiences trying to merge lives. We grow and sometimes the other one stays complacent. It’s so many factors to this whole thing so I know I’m discouraged. My life was better when I was in the streets and that’s a sad reality…
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  • Ms. AD said: Thank you Millie Holmes my friend! I love the discussion! Keep’em coming!

  • K Lowery Moore – Yup, women back in the day just turned a blind eye…smh

    K Lowery Moore – I just think we see it more due to social media

    Cassie Gainey – Exactly K Lowery Moore

  • K Lowery Moore – this is a very interesting subject because I was the one messing with whoever and didn’t care… And when Karma came for me, it was nothing nice!!!

    K Lowery Moore – the hardest thing to do is face your ugly ways…smh

    Millie Holmes – Amen K, amen

  • Ms. S said – Interesting thread

    Shanon said – I’m late but here is my spill…yes cheating is over rated but it should be.. a relationship is meant for two people to share each other and all that comes with it however we are so stuck in an “Acceptable society” that everything is acceptable…for me personally I feel WHY CHEAT. we are grown,we should be able to communicate about what our wants and needs are and if they aren’t being met. However cheating happens on different levels..buts it’s all cheating. For the record no need to cheat on me let me know what’s up and I will do my best to accommodate you and your desires. Now if I can’t than we might have to part ways.

    Shanon also said: Great topic Millie Holmes it’s always juicy with you..lol