MILLIE'S CORNER

The RISE and FALL of Monogamous men!

Cheatingmen

I’m back, it’s Millie with Millie in the City with the number one dating and relationship forum in the Washington, DC Metropolitan area.  Now that we have gotten that out the way, I want to discuss monogamy.  My question is, can a man really been faithful to one woman?  So in honor of that, this article is appropriately titled: The rise and fall of monogamous men!

If you ask the majority of women in the world they would simply tell you that most men are not faithful and monogamy has failed them.  Cheating, however, serves men pretty well in most cases.  An undiscovered affair allows them to keep their relationship and emotional intimacy, and even if they are caught, it is so much easier than admitting that they wanted to have sex with someone else in the first place.

Contrary to popular belief and what we may think, most men are not cheating because they do not love or care deeply about their partner, they cheat because they just want to have sex with others (at least this is what they tell me).  If I were to attempt to determine what percent of men cheat, then, yes survey have shown that cheating remains the norm for quite a few men.

I was told by a single man yesterday that men just need the place to cheat and women only need the reason.  But, you say men want to be emotionally monogamous, but their body craves sex with other people somatically. Sooooo if that is the case, people crave food, drugs, booze, sometimes to disastrous results. If there can be self-control with other cravings, why can’t men control their body urges?

I know all too well that human beings are largely horrible at controlling our bodies’ desires. We say we do not want to eat that Snickers bar, but we also really do want to eat it. We eat it, we feel guilty about it, and afterwards we promise ourselves not to eat one again; but we nonetheless do. It is this same phenomenon, only with cheating, needs to be further exploration. Our physical desires don’t die; they just change from our partner to people other than him/her. We falsely believe that when the sex dies, the relationship has also died. The reality is the opposite; when the sex dies the relationship has just begun. What about the idea that long-term relationships make sex become deeper, more intimate and more meaningful? I guess not!

The lessening of sex is simultaneous to one’s emotional bonds growing stronger. Long-term partners may have more intimate sex (most just have very little) but when men see a women who turns them on, it’s not intimate and meaningful sex they are craving. We all know that honesty is a huge part of a relationship but how good a relationship can one have when there is deception, especially since you say after men cheat spontaneously, they are more likely to plan cheating?

Honesty is good sometimes, and horrible other times. There are good reasons to lie; it is an essential skill for keeping community and relationship peace. The reason men lie about cheating is mostly because they know that if they ask for permission to have casual sex: 1) they will be denied 2) after they are denied, they will be subject to inquiry moreover, scrutiny and increased relationship policing; 3) they will be branded as dishonest, and most likely broken up with. Thus, honesty does not meet their desires of having both a long-term partner and leisure sex with others.

The way cheating men see it, it’s either cheat or don’t cheat, but telling their partners they want sex outside the relationship, or telling their partners that they actually cheated, is viewed as a surefire way of achieving the relationship being terminated.  When men cheat for recreational sex — not affairs — they DO love their partners. If they didn’t, they would break up with them (I have issue with that statement #youtriedit……..moving on)

MEN ARE HUNTERS – if I hear that phrase one more time from men—–I am going to scream!!! (I digress)

Infidelity breaks up many marriages and relationships, but often it isn’t the act of sex that’s so upsetting — it’s the deception and lying, clearly problematic for the emotional intimacy you say men want. So cheating for sex may be “just about the sex” for him, but not for his partner.

Infidelity does not break marriages up; it is the unreasonable expectation that a marriage must restrict sex that breaks a marriage up.  I have seen so many long-term relationships broken up simply because one had sex outside the relationship. But feeling victimized isn’t a natural outcome of casual sex outside a relationship; it is a socialized victimhood. Now here comes in the double standard.  Most of the men I have talked with said it was okay with sex on the side for them, but not their girlfriends or wives. That seems unfair and incredibly selfish.

In conclusion, maybe if we really want to prevent our lovers from developing the lust for other women, or worse, emotional intimacy with others; if we really want to prevent men from cheating, we would be best to sex-segregate our jobs, our classrooms and social arenas, too. Emotional intimacy is the real threat to a relationship, not a one-off hour with a stranger from someone in your DM.  Ultimately, there are no guarantees that men won’t find love elsewhere. But controlling a man to prevent infidelity, I think, only makes matters worse — it makes them want to leave you. A better strategy would be to be open and honest from the gate!  And in the illustrious words of my dear friend and Author K Lowery Moore, “stay single if you are going to cheat”.

P.S. I do want to note for the record, I do not think that all men cheat, just a lot of them!!!

 

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Millie Holmes

29 Comments

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  • Roderick said – I am at an event right now… But Hell Yes!!!

  • Millie Holmes – You are in the minority Roderick Dunston

    Roderick – I been told…but there’s more men out here like.

  • All the points that you’ve laid out is cringingly accurate but me personally cheating is not an option for me because to be honest…Its not fun nor is it fair especially when the “cheatee” has all the control in the situation. Its all on how you’ve been raised but women also have to understand that WE are egotistic beings which means that our “ego” has to be stroked constantly to feel empowered to take on our day to day. Its been like that since the test of time going all the way back to ancient times where women were at the men feet. We desire to be marveled and bred to be conquerers. The problem is so many of have lost of ability to lead. Its a topsy turvy situation but nevertheless should be broadly discussed in the dating stages before entering a monogamous relationship.

  • K Lowery said: were you always the faithful type, Roderick …or did you have to get to that point?

  • K Lowery said: this is where honesty comes into play…lol

    Roderick had this to say: In my past no….but as I mature with age…I found it was the only way to be….Faithful…Plus I see friends who are unfaithful… I see how hard it is for them to keep their stories straight. It’s better to have one woman to cherish.

  • K Lowery Moore – Yeah, I talk too much to try to keep a story straight…lol

  • Roderick – I would tell on myself

    K Lowery Moore – I know I would…lol, so it’s not worth the energy it takes to lie. The you have to cover that lie with another lie…it is pointless

  • Sharon said: There is no reason anyone can give me that can convince me that a person cannot be monogamous. People *choose* not to be and then come up with theories – which boil down to excuses.

    Nothing will stop a cheater from cheating and I refuse to take responsibility for a philandering partner. We are not animals. If one chooses to indulge in more than one partner, have the decency to say so.

    But cheaters won’t. Why? Because they are selfish. And very often insecure. It’s easy to cheat; it’s harder to stay faithful. That’s what separates the Real Men from the F*ckboys.

  • Antwan said: IM MAD I TYPED ALL THIS CRAP AND NOW ITS GONE SMH..WELL ANYHOO MEN ARE EGOTISTICAL BEING AND WE NEED OUR EGO STROKED ALL THE TIME..ITS OUR NATURE. JUST LIKE WOMEN LIKE TO BE COMPLIMENTED WE ALSO LIKE THE SAME. I ONLY CHEATED ONCE *COUGHS* FOR LIKE 4 YRS LOL! BUT I WAS UNHAPPY BUT WANTED TO STAY AROUND FOR MY DAUGHTER..IT HURT ME WHEN I LEFT BUT ITS ALL ON HOW YOU’VE BEEN RAISED

  • K Lowery said: Monogamy is a choice…just like cheating. Many people will not agree with me, but humans are sexual beings. We were created to mate….procreate. We have put laws and religion in place to control our behaviors. If you are in a country where men can have more than one wife, then that’s the norm for you. We have created certain laws and religion and they were passed down through many generations. Now, in the US, we have created the institution of marriage (one man, one wife), which I believe in. HOWEVER, a lot of people (mainly men) engage in marriage prematurely. They are simply not ready for that level of commitment. You have to get to a place in life where you are not tempted by the flesh and for some people, that day never comes. And if you know you can’t be committed to one person…STAY SINGLE!

  • Sharon said: “Level of commitment” – so true

  • Cassie Gainey II – I truly believe that a Gentleman can be faithful to one woman. Men and Women choose to cheat or to be faithful there are absolutely no excuses and I have no respect for people who use lame ass excuses for there reasons of being unfaithful to someone and hurting them. You need to take responsibility for your decisions and actions.

  • K Lowery Moore – It’s definitely a choice as with anything else. I just don’t understand why people choose to get into a committed relationship if they are not ready. But I haven’t always been an angel, so I won’t pass judgment. It’s just at some people, folks need to make wiser choices and take responsibility as you said…

  • JV Jones – I hope that there are still men and women who are faithful and dedicated to their spouse or significant other but I have heard of so many people who think it’s okay and just don’t care. They make it bad for others who are trying to do it right. #ICANT

  • Darryl Green I’m laughing at the theory that men only need a place to cheat and women need a reason. No one needs a reason to cheat, cheating is a choice. But contrary to popular belief, women cheat just as much as men but they are smarter at it than men. Men tend to think that just because the numbers are in our favor that we can do things and keep it quiet and no one will ever know. But if a man or woman was to pay close attention to their mate, there’s no way that your body reaction or your emotional reaction can remain the same once you have in those and another flavor.

    However, we need to stop thinking of cheating as a game, it’s not a game. It’s a Gamble! When he cheated decides to cheat, he not only jeopardize is the possibility of having a monogamous relationship, but he also exposes himself to the ridicule and the criticisms by not only the person that he cheats with you, but everyone within that Social Circle that gets involved in this situation. There is no such thing as a quiet cheater, because every friend has a friend and someone that they talk to. Getting away with cheating is not surprised, absolutely not to me is the prize and men are very capable of just that just as well as women. But you have to be honest and true about all of the situations surrounding your relationship. Once there is in the happiness of one side Kama that tends to be the reason to decide to cheat. A real man or real woman works out there difficulties, problems, complications, and maintain the monotony of their relationship. With all of this is the part of the getting-to-know-you process when you first started dating. Need to take more time to talk about the past and discover those habits that we created before we got involved in our current situations. Once a cheater, always a cheater. Once the mind stays, the body surely will follow! But as someone said earlier comma if you choose to have more than one partner sexually, just be upfront and honest with it. That way you’re not taking away someone’s choice in the matter as to whether or not they want to get involved. That’s the only fair thing to do so that you don’t take away anyone else’s option. What is a man or woman tells you that they like to explore sexually, would we really respect that honesty and choose to deal with it, or are we too selfish to just accept people as they are?

  • Karen responded to Darryl – Love….Love….and Love. Very well put Sir!

  • Darryl – Thank you so much!

    Cassie Gainey II – Yessss! very well said and to the point from a Gentleman

  • Darryl – thank you Cassie! I really appreciate that!

    Cassie Gainey II – You are so welcome Darryl Green. It just so refreshing to hear the truth from a Gentlemen instead of these wanna be so called “grown ass men” so to speak.

  • K Lowery Moore – I agree with most of your points, but of course I’m that person that has a rebuttal. I just don’t think that once a cheater, “always” a cheater. I believe people can change because I surely have. The things I did at 20 something, I won’t do at 40 something. So I just don’t agree with once a cheater, always a cheater. Or are you saying they will always have that label that they once cheated or that they can’t and won’t change. I just need clarity…

  • Cassie Gainey II – Well when you was in your twenties you wasn’t ready and probably immature to a certain degree. Yes, people can change if they want to and people do mature they grow up and they realize that cheating is not okay to be doing so they don’t do it. I commend people when they recognize that and move on with there life. But, you will always have those player fools who are addicted to being unfaithful thats when the phrase comes in a “Once a Cheater always a Cheater”. Lawrd, I know a few men who are in my age bracket still cheating and still dumb.

  • K Lowery Moore – Yes, I can see that…that’s why I asked for clarity. I’ve even done stuff recently that I won’t do again. I told you I used to be a wild out here and people can change if they want…

  • Cassie Gainey II – Thats alright K Lowery Moore but you know right from wrong and you have corrected it. So you just keep doing you and whats best for you.

  • K Lowery – Yup, and I don’t have any regrets because I AM SINGLE! I get that some folks are perfect, but I am not ashamed to keep it real. What’s done is done…and documented in my book! lol

  • K Lowery Moore – up, and I don’t have any regrets because I AM SINGLE! I get that some folks are perfect, but I am not ashamed to keep it real. What’s done is done…and documented in my book! lol

  • Cassie – Gurrrl they need to stop because we all make mistakes

    K Lowery Moore – yup, but you know how those “appearances” can be… I don’t have time to keep up an appearance for anyone. I am who I am!! smile emoticon

    Cassie Gainey II – Exactly!!!! Me to K Lowery Moore lol

  • Darryl said – Just to clarify though “once a cheater always a cheater”, as a grown adult or should I say a mature adult cheating is a choice. Therefore those immature or uninformed things that we did in our twenties don’t really count. As a grown 30 40 or 50 year old adult, we have the ability, the knowledge, and the wherewithal to make a more informed and intelligent Decisions. As I once heard said, practice makes permanent. Therefore comma if you practice the habit of cheating then it becomes a part of your mental state and your behavioral pattern which becomes a permanent part of your character.

  • K Lowery Moore – Okay, so I guess I’m a horrible person by this definition…cool shrugs