I’m back, it’s Millie with Millie in the City with the number one dating and relationship forum in the Washington, DC Metropolitan area. Now that we have gotten that out the way, I want to discuss monogamy. My question is, can a man really been faithful to one woman? So in honor of that, this article is appropriately titled: The rise and fall of monogamous men!
If you ask the majority of women in the world they would simply tell you that most men are not faithful and monogamy has failed them. Cheating, however, serves men pretty well in most cases. An undiscovered affair allows them to keep their relationship and emotional intimacy, and even if they are caught, it is so much easier than admitting that they wanted to have sex with someone else in the first place.
Contrary to popular belief and what we may think, most men are not cheating because they do not love or care deeply about their partner, they cheat because they just want to have sex with others (at least this is what they tell me). If I were to attempt to determine what percent of men cheat, then, yes survey have shown that cheating remains the norm for quite a few men.
I was told by a single man yesterday that men just need the place to cheat and women only need the reason. But, you say men want to be emotionally monogamous, but their body craves sex with other people somatically. Sooooo if that is the case, people crave food, drugs, booze, sometimes to disastrous results. If there can be self-control with other cravings, why can’t men control their body urges?
I know all too well that human beings are largely horrible at controlling our bodies’ desires. We say we do not want to eat that Snickers bar, but we also really do want to eat it. We eat it, we feel guilty about it, and afterwards we promise ourselves not to eat one again; but we nonetheless do. It is this same phenomenon, only with cheating, needs to be further exploration. Our physical desires don’t die; they just change from our partner to people other than him/her. We falsely believe that when the sex dies, the relationship has also died. The reality is the opposite; when the sex dies the relationship has just begun. What about the idea that long-term relationships make sex become deeper, more intimate and more meaningful? I guess not!
The lessening of sex is simultaneous to one’s emotional bonds growing stronger. Long-term partners may have more intimate sex (most just have very little) but when men see a women who turns them on, it’s not intimate and meaningful sex they are craving. We all know that honesty is a huge part of a relationship but how good a relationship can one have when there is deception, especially since you say after men cheat spontaneously, they are more likely to plan cheating?
Honesty is good sometimes, and horrible other times. There are good reasons to lie; it is an essential skill for keeping community and relationship peace. The reason men lie about cheating is mostly because they know that if they ask for permission to have casual sex: 1) they will be denied 2) after they are denied, they will be subject to inquiry moreover, scrutiny and increased relationship policing; 3) they will be branded as dishonest, and most likely broken up with. Thus, honesty does not meet their desires of having both a long-term partner and leisure sex with others.
The way cheating men see it, it’s either cheat or don’t cheat, but telling their partners they want sex outside the relationship, or telling their partners that they actually cheated, is viewed as a surefire way of achieving the relationship being terminated. When men cheat for recreational sex — not affairs — they DO love their partners. If they didn’t, they would break up with them (I have issue with that statement #youtriedit……..moving on)
MEN ARE HUNTERS – if I hear that phrase one more time from men—–I am going to scream!!! (I digress)
Infidelity breaks up many marriages and relationships, but often it isn’t the act of sex that’s so upsetting — it’s the deception and lying, clearly problematic for the emotional intimacy you say men want. So cheating for sex may be “just about the sex” for him, but not for his partner.
Infidelity does not break marriages up; it is the unreasonable expectation that a marriage must restrict sex that breaks a marriage up. I have seen so many long-term relationships broken up simply because one had sex outside the relationship. But feeling victimized isn’t a natural outcome of casual sex outside a relationship; it is a socialized victimhood. Now here comes in the double standard. Most of the men I have talked with said it was okay with sex on the side for them, but not their girlfriends or wives. That seems unfair and incredibly selfish.
In conclusion, maybe if we really want to prevent our lovers from developing the lust for other women, or worse, emotional intimacy with others; if we really want to prevent men from cheating, we would be best to sex-segregate our jobs, our classrooms and social arenas, too. Emotional intimacy is the real threat to a relationship, not a one-off hour with a stranger from someone in your DM. Ultimately, there are no guarantees that men won’t find love elsewhere. But controlling a man to prevent infidelity, I think, only makes matters worse — it makes them want to leave you. A better strategy would be to be open and honest from the gate! And in the illustrious words of my dear friend and Author K Lowery Moore, “stay single if you are going to cheat”.
P.S. I do want to note for the record, I do not think that all men cheat, just a lot of them!!!
Millie Holmes can be reached by email at firstname.lastname@example.org or on Social Media:
Facebook: Millie Holmes
Facebook Page: Millie in the City Matchmaking