Ask Millie – Sex Ain’t Better than Love–or is it?

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I’m back, it’s that time again for Ask Millie, better known as the Black Dear Abby.  Here is the relationship question of the week.  Jase from Virginia simply wants to know is sex better than Love?  He says he is having lots of sex but has been slowly realizing that his heart is not been full-filled.  So, I respectfully titled this Ask Millie column:  Sex ain’t better than Love—or is it? 

Thank you Jase first and foremost for emailing me.  My first thought when I read this was of the Trey Songz song with this exact title.  Okay, I digress and I am back to the reality of your question.  According to Trey Songz, Sex is not better than Love but let’s discuss this a little further.

After this song came out men and women started sounding off.  I even did my own poll and read other ones.  What I found is that about 61% of women said that Sex is better than Love and the other 39 % of men said that they would search for Love through Sex hmmmmmmm how interesting!

Let’s examine a verse in the song:

I been out here in these streets and I done learned
Every girl I gave my lovin to
Was only a substitute
I been out here in these streets and I done learned
Even though she’s in my arms
This ain’t where my heart belongs
Sex in the air, no love in here
Soon as I get through, I’m outta there
And it feels so bad, but it felt so good
Wishin I could care, girl I never could…

Sex and romance may seem intricately linked, but the human brain clearly differentiates between the two.  I will say that Love is the more powerful emotion. It is frequently said that “making love” is just a euphemism for “having sex.” So to be sure, these terms are often used interchangeably. Regrettably, this common use and misuse can disguise the important distinction between these two activities. Indeed, many people who have “good sex” mistake it for love only to find out that their apparent lover was not the person with whom they cared to spend the rest of their life with.  This is not to proclaim the moral, or practical, superiority of making love. Indeed some would prefer to just have sex. In retrospect sex does alleviate tension but some say that Love causes it.   Still, it is important that you get what you bargained for.  Of course, making love (as distinct from being in love) essentially involves having sex.  But having sex, even great sex, is not necessarily making love.

So are you making love or just having sex? Are you getting what you really want? And if not, how do you plan on getting it? As dissimilar from mere sex, love-making dissolves the gap between you and me.  In making love, your loins are mine, and mine yours.  It takes two to Tango, and so too does it take, at least, two to make love. Unreciprocated love-making is ineffective love-making. The flames of love-making are quick to die when one gives oneself, body and soul, only to be turned away.

In conclusion, given its powerful symbolism, building a loving sexual relationship, may even pave the way to a more loving relationship beyond the bedroom. Jase, be patient and maybe wait just a little longer to have sex if you are not being full-filled and build a relationship first.

If you have a relationship or dating question, please email me at and I just might feature your question and give you some great tips and dating advice, anonymously of course!.  This is Millie–better known as– the black Dear Abby and I say good night and “pretty deuces”, until next week.











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